To Be Known and Loved

Our deepest desires are to be known and loved. Fully known and yet still fully loved. We fear that if people fully see us, they cannot; they will not love us. 

So we've settled for a world where we know about people rather than knowing them—a world where people know about us rather than know us. 

This is the essence of social media. Fabrication. Filters and mirages. This has become the essence of our world. 

A few months ago, I attended a talk from Curt Thompson. He’s a psychiatrist whose work centers around shame and suffering, the authentic Christian community, and the practical implications these have on our lives. In his talk, Curt shared that he believes to get to this place of healing, of experiencing an authentic community where we are fully known and loved, we need four things:

Seen: We need people who see us. They truly see us and love us no matter what they see.

Soothed: We need people who soothe us. People we can turn to in times of pain that will help us through the storm.

Safe: We need safe people. Curt said something interesting about this particular point. “Safe” means something, and we use it too often to mean “we don’t want to do what we don’t want to do.” But safety is the ability to feel comfortable and confident in who I am and who God has made me to be. We need those people.

Secure: We need places where we feel secure and do not question our positioning and safety. We need to exist in a world where we do not feel like we are constantly looking over our shoulders.

May I be honest for a moment? I don't know if I have ever felt this. I grew up not feeling wanted, and this is one of the many shadows that have haunted me my entire life. My lack of security has made me sensitive to the lightest slights, and I am highly attuned to people’s attitudes and postures. 

I went above and beyond to fit in and be wanted in my younger days. In my older days, I actively rebelled against the need to be accepted by those I felt didn’t accept me. These responses emerge from the same place: a wound of insecurity.

To feel secure, we must ask: Who is looking at you and drawing beauty out of you in the room you’re in? 

Who are the people helping us see our story for something other than what we think it is?

Who are the people who call you good and loved and worthy when you or the world is calling you evil, unloved, and unworthy? 

Security is about the stories we tell ourselves and the stories we hear from others. Our lives are built around narratives, and very often, those narratives can be untrue, but they can still seep into our souls and hurt us deeply. 

It’s Always Discipleship

The stories, narratives, and internal feelings always return to where and how we are formed. I’ve said this for all of 2024: We are not formed in the neverending stream of information intake but in a good and authentic community. 

These four things Dr. Thompson calls us to—being seen, soothed, safe, and secure—are about being shaped and formed so that we can be fully known and loved so that we can be exactly who God has made us to be. 

Formation is a storytelling endeavor. It is telling the true story over and over and telling it collaboratively. Stories told in isolation miss the full context. Your story is never just yours. It is your parents, siblings, culture, community, and so much more. 

This year, we will tell some stories and change some narratives.

I will drop some videos in a few months, but if you would be so kind, I want you to reflect on your church experience growing up and even now. Think about how you have been shaped and formed. 

Comment or reply to me; how would you finish this sentence: “I wish my church…”

See you soon.